Anyone who has experienced a toddler meltdown or a teen angrily slamming their bedroom door knows that kids have powerful emotions. While navigating these big feelings can make a parent feel helpless, there are ways parents can connect with their kids in the midst of these emotions and help kids learn to regulate them in the future.
What do big emotions look like?
Sarah Hawkins, LGPC, a counselor in the Adolescent Female Unit on Sheppard Pratt’s Towson campus, says the most common negative big emotions are rooted in anger, sadness, or grief, and each child expresses them uniquely.
“Angry toddlers may start crying, screaming, or even hitting,” she says. For older kids, anger may look like acting out of character, yelling, cursing, or even being uncharacteristically quiet. Sadness may present as crying, keeping the door closed, or withdrawing from social situations.
When a child’s reaction is stronger than expected, the parent should step back and ask, “What else could be going on?”
Root cause
Strong emotional reactions can erupt in response to unmet physical needs, such as inadequate sleep, hunger, or inactivity. (We all know what it’s like to get a little hangry.) They can also be linked to unfulfilled emotional needs. “Feeling ignored, pushed to the side, or lacking positive connection are major contributors to big emotions,” Hawkins says.
For older children, strong feelings could also be caused by a fight with a friend, bullying, feeling overwhelmed, or experiencing too much pressure in school or extracurricular activities.
Helping kids manage their big emotions
Hawkins offers the following advice:
- Validate their emotions. “Don’t minimize their feelings. Give them the space to feel the emotions and help them understand it’s okay to feel them.”
- Give them the language to talk about emotions. From a young age, help them label the way they are feeling.
- Learn your child’s warning signs. Younger kids may start getting red in the face or clench their fists. Older kids may ruminate on a single event or seem anxious.
- Stay with them while they are upset. “Being upset can feel very scary. Little kids cannot regulate their feelings yet, so co-regulate with them.” Take deep breaths or practice other mindfulness techniques side by side.
- Set boundaries for unacceptable behavior. “Say, ‘It’s okay to feel angry right now, but it’s not okay to hit.’"
- Provide positive reinforcement. Celebrate kids when they use their coping skills.
- Seek help if needed. If your child experiences these emotions for more than two weeks, they become extreme or aggressive, or there are safety concerns for the child or their family, it’s time to seek professional help.
If your child needs extra help managing big emotions, Sheppard Pratt can help. Click here to get connected to the right counselor.